The road to less arguing and better problem solving starts with asking one simple question…
Have you ever tried to change the mind of someone you disagree with? Good luck! And yet, psychologists say that remembering one simple question is the first step on the road to less hostility and more productive dialogue.
Finding common ground may seem unlikely, especially in times like these. But it all begins with listening. Then, for the sake of initially engaging your partner, forget about facts. Regardless of their veracity, reciting a list of studies and statistics will likely just raise defensiveness.
Beating people over the head with evidence that proves they’re wrong, only makes them more likely to insist they’re right. “People generally put their affiliation with their group and their sense of themselves as a competent and good person ahead of rationality,” writes Jessica Stillman in INC. Yelling doesn’t work either. Stridency might make you feel relief in the moment, but it almost always backfires and hardens other peoples’ beliefs.
So, what’s left? Asking the “magic question.” According to science writer David Robson, author of the 2024 book, The Laws of Connection, you need to convince people of your good intentions for the conversation. Ask them: “Can you tell me more about how you came to think that?”
Is this enough to have someone do a 180-degree opinion turn? No. But, it is a start. You cannot change anyone’s mind if you don’t convince them you are open to understanding them.
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