I ran the last session from a leadership development programme last week. I always ask people what have they been doing differently since the last session and what has worked. This time just everybody said listening more to their people (and a few listening more at home) and described the positive impact that had on staff’s reactions and engagement.
In conversations—especially the tough ones—we often think we’re listening. But in reality, we’re filtering or thinking about how we will respond.
A recent article from UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center highlights something powerful: most misunderstandings don’t start with bad intentions… they start with people listening for different things.
We tend to default to one of four listening “filters”:
- Connective – focused on feelings and relationships
- Conceptual – looking for ideas and possibilities
- Reflective – processing through personal experience
- Analytical – seeking facts, accuracy, and next steps
None of these are wrong—but they can cause us to miss what matters most in the moment.
Listening isn’t a fixed skill—it’s a habit we can adapt. By becoming more aware of our default “listening style,” we can adjust in real time:
- Be more curious
- Stay present
- Acknowledge emotions
- Balance empathy with clarity
Because high-quality listening does more than improve conversations—it builds trust, reduces defensiveness, and helps people feel genuinely understood. There was a great commencement speech from Harvard that I watched recently – the theme – listen like you might be wrong.
Next time a conversation feels off track, try this: “What am I listening for right now—and what might I be missing?”
Sometimes, the smallest shift in how we listen creates the biggest shift in connection.
